Every time I look through the promo pictures, I just think, "What are you doing in France, Justin Bartha?"
Hahaha me too! DOUG WHY AREN'T YOU IN LAS VEGAS GETTING HAMMERED.

LANDA AND HELLSTROM WILL BE BEST MEN AT THE WEDDING. LANDA WILL BE FEEL PROUD HE PLAYED MATCHMAKER "IF I HADN'T KILLED HER FAMILY SHE WOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO PARIS AND MET THE ZOLLER BOY!"

THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS IS TO HAVE MELANIE AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS STAR IN A FILM TOGETHER.

LANDA WOULD FIND THE SILVER LINING, WOULDN'T HE? HELLSTROM WOULD BE TRYING TO GET EVERYONE TO PLAY HIS PARTY GAME AT THE RECEPTION AND HUGO WOULD GET ANNOYED; BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE AT A WEDDING, HE CAN'T SHOOT HIM IN THE CROTCH. ARCHIE WILL GIVE A SPEECH COMPARING FRED AND SHO TO BOGART AND BERGMAN IN CASABLANCA. THEN LANDA WOULD GET DRUNK AND EMOTIONAL (ALSO, HE WOULD ARRANGE FOR THEM TO HAVE WEDDING STRUDEL). MEANWHILE, HELGA AND WICKI WOULD BE DOIN' IT SOMEWHERE.

SPEAKING OF WEDDINGS, MY DAD RE-CONNECTED WITH SOME OBNOXIOUS RELATIVES ON FACEBOOK. THEY WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS MARRIED YET AND MY DAD SAID HE WAS TEMPTED TO E-MAIL THEM A PICTURE OF AUGUST AND SAY, "YES. THIS IS HER GERMAN HUSBAND. THEY'RE MOVING TO AUSTRALIA."

THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS IS TO HAVE MELANIE AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS STAR IN A FILM TOGETHER.
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I SEE THIS HAPENNING.

HELLSTROM WOULD BRING HIS BOOT GLASS AND SCREAM "WUNDEBAR!" TO EVERYTHING FRED SAYS. AND JUST TO MAKE ARCHIRE UNCOMFORTABLE HE WOULD SHAMELESSLY FLIRT WITH BRIDGET AND ASK HER TO DANCE EVERY 5 MINUTES. HE WOULD ARRANGE FOR THEM TO HAVE WEDDING STRUDEL. BUT OF COURSE. HE'LL ALSO LET THEM BORROW HIS NANTUCKET ISLAND HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

HAHAHA YOUR DAD IS AWESOME OMG! HE SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT AND THEN YOU'LL TELL ME THEIR REACTIONS.

WILL NOT REST UNTIL I SEE THIS HAPENNING.
DAMN STRAIGHT YOU WON'T. LET'S GET HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN. WE'RE FULL OF GREAT IDEAS.

HELLSTROM IS A ROMANTIC AT HEART. A VIOLENT, CREEPY ROMANTIC. BRIDGET WOULD SECRETLY LOVE IT. (I know, I know, I gotta continue working on that Bridget/Dieter fic. I should make obnoxiously colored graphics of them, too!)
HELLSTROM WON'T HESITATE TO LOL AT ARCHIE'S BAD GERMAN SKILLS, EITHER.

BUT OF COURSE. HE'LL ALSO LET THEM BORROW HIS NANTUCKET ISLAND HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
LANDA IS A KIND MAN AT HEART, WHEN HE'S NOT MURDERING YOU FOR BEING JEWISH.

MY DAD IS EXTREMELY AWESOME, I HAVE SO MANY STORIES ABOUT HIM TO FURTHER DEMONSTRATE THAT FACT. I WILL TELL HIM TO DO SO, BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW THEIR REACTIONS, AS WELL. OH, THE LOLZ TO BE HAD.

THEY SHOULD BE PAYING US RIGHT NOW. JUST FOR THINKING ALL THESE EPIC IDEAS.

HELL YEAH SHE WOULD LOVE IT. AND HICOX WOULD THINK HE'S LAME AND MAKE FUN OF HIM BUT BRIDGET WOULD MAKE COMMENTS LIKE "DIETER KILLED A KITTEN FOR ME. I DON'T SEE YOU MAKING BIG GESTURES" (I was about to ask you that. I want my fic you know)

TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE!

FOUND THIS ON TUMBLR TODAY. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO SHARE.

YES. MONEY JUST FOR BEING GENIUSES.

FASSY WOULD QUIETLY FUME, LIKE A GENTLEMAN WOULD. THEN HE'D LOSE HIS TEMPER AND ELOQUENTLY CALL DIETER FUCKFACE.

BUT HELLSTROM WOULDN'T CARE, BECAUSE HE'D BE SINGING DRUNKEN KARAOKE AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HIS SONG FOR BRIDGET IS:



(Fic will be coming soon! For now, listen to Cher and think of Dieter)

My was stationed in Okinawa in the late '60s - early '70s, so he spent his time in the little theater when not guarding airplanes; thus, he saw pretty much every film that would make Tarantino pee his pants with joy. He and I watch films together regularly, and during Love In Thoughts, he kept Daniel and August straight by referring to them as Fredrick and Hellstrom. And when August hits Thure in the mouth and they start making out, my dad gave me some serious side-eye and said, "This is just what you like, isn't it?"
HE LOVES LADY GAGA! He even tried to think of who would be a suitable boyfriend for her (he decided on Eric Bana, but since he's married, he changed his mind). He also watched the worst film ever made in a gay bar in 1973. I have so many stories, but those are some of favorites.
Oh, and when the Bear Jew made his appearance, he whispered to me, "Is that Spock?"

IT IS VERY NICE OF YOU TO SHARE, BECAUSE I LOVE IT. THAT THE FACE HE MAKES WHEN SHO DENIES HER FREDDY LOVE. IT'S ALSO THE FACE HE MAKES WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE THE SCARF HE KNITTED FOR THEM. SURE, YOU CAN SAY YOU LOVE IT, BUT LANDA KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE LYING.
THIS GIF IS ALSO LOLZIER TO ME BECAUSE I'M AT WORK LISTENING TO PHIL COLLINS.

WE CLEARLY THINK BETTER THAN SOME PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD.

LOL THIS WOULD BE ARCHIE: FIRST WHEN DIETER STARTS SINGING

AND THEN WHEN REFUSES TO STOP


MY MIND IS BLOWN BY THE AWESOMENESS OF YOUR DAD. Omg Manos, The Hands of Fate!! I've been wondering wth was that after Ted mentioned it on HIMYM! WILL WATCH JUST FOR THE LULZ. HAHAHA SPOCK=BEAR JEW OMG. Well Eli and ZQ do look alike.

THAT'S THE FACE HE GIVES TO NON-SHIPPERS.

WE DO. AND BY SOME, YOU MEAN MOST.

HELLSTROM WOULD BE LIKE THIS:


THEN LANDA WOULD TAKE THE STAGE AND SING THIS WITH ALDO:


MEANWHILE, FRED AND SHO WOULD BE LIKE THIS:


Manos has a magnificent, sordid history behind it! The director was a Texas manure salesman who made a bet that he could make a horror film. The camera couldn't record sound, so after filming was complete, he and another woman dubbed all of the voices. Then, at the premiere, the actors were so devastated (and the audience started laughing within 10 minutes) that they snuck out of the theater. Also, the actor who played Torgo (who is a total cult film icon now), did a hit of acid before every take. Later, he killed himself. Tarantino owns one of the rare, 16 mm film prints.

My dad's friend ran the bar and he liked to show films he'd rent from a catalogue. All you had to go on was a title and description, so you'd end up with hit or miss selections. He'd run each film for a week straight, but after the third day, he ripped it out of the projector.

The director played the father in Manos, too:

AND BY SOME, YOU MEAN MOST. GOOD, YOU GOT MY HINT.

THEN HELLSTROM WOULD LAUGH AT THE WHOLE SITUATION AND THAT WOULD PISS ARCHIE EVEN MORE.


LOL I'LL WATCH MANOS WHEN I HAVE TIME! I'll be the only person I know who has seen it. Haha Torgo looks really cool, I bet he's the best character in the film.

GOOD, YOU GOT MY HINT. WE'RE GENIUSES, REMEMBER?

ARCHIE WILL JUST HAVE TO STFD AFTER THAT.


Torgo totally is! He has his own insane theme music and crazy walk! The actor who played him wanted him to be a satyr, so he made prosthetics and everything, but they ended up damaging his legs and left him addicted to pain medication:

WE'RE GENIUSES, REMEMBER? HOW COULD I FORGET?

LOL BUT HE'LL KEEP MUMBLING ANG GIVING DIETER NASTY LOOKS.

THE MUSIC. It's now stuck in my head! It sucks for the actor but he made an icon!

IT'S OKAY IF YOU FORGET. I KNOW LOST HAS EATEN HOLES IN YOUR BRAIN. SOON, I WILL JOIN YOU IN THAT.

ARCHIE'S THE ONLY MAN WHO COULD CALL YOU A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER AND MAKE IT CLASSY. SO HAPPY I COULD DIE IS PLAYING ON MY ITUNES CURRENTLY. THIS IS ARCHIE'S FEEL-GOOD SONG, I THINK.

There was a website I found some time ago that had Torgo's theme available as a ringtone. All of his work was not in vain, at least. If you're going to make a bad movie, make it the worst and make it memorable!

WOOT WOOT \O/ YOU'LL LOVE THE STATE OF CONFUSION.

ARCHIE'S A CLASSY MAN. THAT'S WHY BRIDGET LOVES HIM.
LOL DIETER'S MORE OF A DANCE IN THE DARK TYPE OF GUY-

When my mom gives me my blueberry back I'm making it my ringtone. I don't care if no one else gets it. YOU GO TORGO COCO!

OF COURSE I WILL. I'M DOIN' IT FOR YOU AND BEN, SO IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

YES. BESMIRCH BRIDGET'S REPUTATION AND HE WILL SMACK IN THE MOUTH, BUT IN A CLASSY MANNER.

DIETER WOULD BE! I NOW WANT TO DUB POKER FACE OVER THE TAVERN SCENE DURING THEIR CARD GAME.

You and Torgo will get it, and that's all that matters. LOL BLUEBERRY. OH, CHRISTOPH, YOU STILL PLAY ATARI, DON'T YOU?